Pantaloonia!

THE BLACK RUSSIAN rallies his troops and barks out some orders: MISTER BULLYHAMMER is sent to secure the PRISONER – as for those dastardly MONKEY KILLERS… BLACKBEARD THE SLAV calls in his favor with the KING OF STINGING LOBSTERS! There is a sudden flash, and the villainous MONKEY KILLERS find themselves beset by a horde of STINGING LOBSTERS! The foul murderers flee as the STINGING LOBSTERS begin to COMBINE INTO SOME SORT OF SUPER-STINGING-LOBSTER!         "United, we are strong! Rise! Rise! All for the glory of the people!" With the MONKEY KILLERS beset by STINGING LOBSTERS, BLACKBEARD THE SLAV turns his attentions to THE STEVE. Rallying his remaining Ninjirates, THE BLACK RUSSIAN charges the tentacle-distracted STEVE! Chaos erupts! Swords flash on all sides, tentacles slap with a sickening squick noise, FANGS AND CLAWS SWIRL IN A DEADLY WHIRLWIND! THE BLACK RUSSIAN forces his way into the cavalcade of carnage – THE STEVE COUNTERS – THE BLACK RUSSIAN IS UNHORSED! ...

Sweet ride acquired, LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO opens fire on the advancing IRON SOLDIER. But the skillful SKELETON PILOT straight up MATRIX-DODGES THE DEADLY PROJECTILE! (Seriously, this guy rolled like 4 sixes.) Unperturbed, the IRON SOLDIER lumbers down the PYRAMID, towards LORD JARRITOS! Suddenly, a dolorous roar rings out to the South!     STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE! As if in answer, the KEEP begins to shake, and suddenly –   "Onwards, Charlies! Onwards! To the aid of The Steve!" The BUTLER – now transformed into some kind of horrifying cyclopean mustache-monstrosity – charges down the Castle stairs, leading a squad of SKELETONS. LORD JARRITOS is about to be overrun… What will LORD JARRITOS do? 1. Charge around the North end of the KEEP and try to catch the CRUSADERS in the rear. 2. Charge around the South end of the KEEP and try to flank the charging CRUSADER KNIGHTS front end of the CRUSADERS' formation. 3. Charge South towards the MOUNTAIN PASS and ...

LORD CITRUS SELTZER calls back his troops and the seizes a defensive position atop the ancient BURIAL MOUND! In the field before him, absolute anarchy reigns. The QUEEN OF SERPENTS is trying to call her troops to join her in the JUNGLE, but they have yet to regroup into anything remotely orderly. Several CANNIBALS, including what looks to be a GRAND WARLORD, add to the chaos and – are those NINJIRATES? To LORD SELTZER'S left, THE BLACK RUSSIAN bursts into view, leading a pack of NINJIRATES! They fall upon the lumbering, TENTACLE-blinded STEVE! Absolute pandemonium breaks out! THE BLACK RUSSIAN is thrown from his horse, his helmet split – THE STEVE staggers under the blows – A TENTACLE RIPS HIS ARM OFF – THE STEVE IS SCREAMING – SOME KIND OF WHIRLING CYCLONE MADE OF STINGING LOBSTERS IS SLASHING AROUND, THROWING NINJIRATES THIS WAY AND THAT RAPIDO RAPIDO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! As LORD SELTZER tries to make sense of the chaos before him, he is shocked to hear a low, w...

LORD JARRITOS and his cannon crew power slide down the side of the PYRAMID, inches ahead of the advancing IRON SOLDIER, and seize upon the abandoned WAGON. A few split-second modifications and… SWEET RIDE ACQUIRED. Atop his new CANNON CHARIOT, LORD JARRITOS surveys his surroundings. Just a few feet away, the BUTLER begins hastily closing the KEEP gates. Shouts and blows ring out from the direction that THE STEVE took. It looks like the ensorceled BLUE BASHERS are readying themselves for a CRUSADER CAVALRY CHARGE. Just beyond them… Is that a bunch of NINJIRATES fighting? Ahead, a handful of CANNIBALS are attempting to reform at the mouth of a cliff-lined pass, although they are having a hard time neither a STANDARD to rally under nor a LEADER (and his enviable headgear).   Judging by the sounds of shouted orders, the rest of the CRUSADERS are still on the other side of the KEEP. Behind, the IRON SOLDIER claims the top of the PYRAMID. More chaos rings out from the far south, ...

As the MONKEY KILLER and his loathsome crew march down the BURIAL MOUND and on flat ground, THE BLACK RUSSIAN springs his trap! "'ere lads, this is the one you've been searching for all this time. And now we know what they are after. His monkey killing days are over!" THE BLACK RUSSIAN and his loyal NINJIRATES smash into the vile MONKEY KILLERS! THE BLACK RUSSIAN and his trusty Squire, MISTER BRICKMAN, fall upon SHEIKAH KNIGHT, leader of the MONKEY KILLERS. SHEIKAH KNIGHT'S armor shatters under the barrage of savage blows! Step-by-step, he is forced back up the BURIAL MOUND, barely surviving the righteous onslaught. The melee is a swirl of chaos – Ninjirates, good and bad, fly in all directions! Another MONKEY KILLER staggers up the BURIAL MOUND. Spotting an opportunity, STANLEY the STANDARD BEARER grabs one of the hapless hostages and yanks him to safety.     But one MONKEY KILLER stands his ground. Before anyone can reach him, he grabs the second hostage. ...

All shall know the might of Lord Citrus Seltzer and know he is a fearsome foe to his enemies and a mighty friend to his allies! LORD CITRUS SELTZER charges the entangled TENTACLES! Distracted by their would-be prey, the TENTACLES are completely unprepared for the swarm of Pantaloonians!     At full gallop, LORD JARRITOS slashes into the regenerating RED TENTACLE –   IT IS INSTANTLY SEVERED. KLEOPANTSRA'S palanquin crashes to the ground, pantsless harem boys flying in all directions. The PARASOL MAIDEN is instantly crushed. The Pantaloonian infantry falls upon the GRAY TENTACLE with equal ferocity, LUMBERJACKS and BEGGARS swarming from all sides!     SEVERED BY A BACK-SCRATCHER. The TENTACLE-STUMPS are quickly hacked to pieces. The charging Pantaloonians turn their attentions to the SEVERED TENTACLE ends – and the HEATHENS trapped therein. The melee is an absolute chaos. LORD SELTZER sees the Merchant-Guild sponsored CAVALRYMAN next to him unhorsed, but the ch...