Lord Seltzer's Calamari Beatdown: House of the Beast 6

All shall know the might of Lord Citrus Seltzer and know he is a fearsome foe to his enemies and a mighty friend to his allies!



LORD CITRUS SELTZER charges the entangled TENTACLES! Distracted by their would-be prey, the TENTACLES are completely unprepared for the swarm of Pantaloonians!

 

 

At full gallop, LORD JARRITOS slashes into the regenerating RED TENTACLE –

 



IT IS INSTANTLY SEVERED. KLEOPANTSRA'S palanquin crashes to the ground, pantsless harem boys flying in all directions. The PARASOL MAIDEN is instantly crushed.



The Pantaloonian infantry falls upon the GRAY TENTACLE with equal ferocity, LUMBERJACKS and BEGGARS swarming from all sides!

 

 

SEVERED BY A BACK-SCRATCHER.



The TENTACLE-STUMPS are quickly hacked to pieces. The charging Pantaloonians turn their attentions to the SEVERED TENTACLE ends – and the HEATHENS trapped therein. The melee is an absolute chaos. LORD SELTZER sees the Merchant-Guild sponsored CAVALRYMAN next to him unhorsed, but the charge rolls on unperturbed.

 

 

WHISTLING WENCESLAUS, spy turned infantryman, strikes the SEVERED RED TENTACLE with such savage ferocity –



The TENTACLE FLIES INTO THE AIR –

STEVE?


THWACK.



The still-living TENTACLE smacks straight into the face of the advancing STEVE!



STEEEEEEEEVE!

 

 

In full on frenzy, the Pantaloonian infantry pours over the now-cleansed WELL and falls upon KLEOPANTSRA'S disarrayed forces.



Suddenly, there is a crack of thunder, the smell of sulfur – light shoots from the fallen PALANQUIN! Harem boys are hurled aside!



The still-wriggling hunk of RED TENTACLE that had so recently beset the PARASOL MAIDEN is blasted across the battlefield. It lands – stunned – across a hunk of mountain PASS ruin.



From the ashes of the battered PALANQUIN rises… KLEOPANTSRA'S TRUE FORM.



"Well, well, and another well! I had come here to reclaim my wandering Knight Husband, but I think maybe I just found a replacement…"


The unholy serpent-woman aims her scepter at LORD SELTZER –



A SHOT RINGS OUT. KLEOPANTSRA staggers backwards – her life just barely saved by her (now exploded) armor.



Pantaloonian MUSKETEERS know a big pile of hell no when they see it.



Under a withering barrage of musket fire, KLEOPANTSRA retreats into the jungle, hissing for her scattered forces to regroup.



LORD SELTZER checks his surroundings. KLEOPANTSRA has retreated into the jungle, but her forces are still scattered across the field. The well has been completely cleared, but 3 severed chunks of tentacle (not quite as deadly as their full forms, but each still a fearsome Threat Level 7) are scattered across the field – one in the mountains, one in the distant MUSHROOM FIELD, and one wrapped around THE STEVE's face. It would appear several CANNIBALS (including the infinitely-lucky MAN WHO FELL FROM THE SKY, who has survived his entanglement with the now-severed GRAY TENTACLE) are now mixed up in the chaos of KLEOPANTSRA'S scattered forces.



LORD SELTZER'S own troops are swarming across the field, swept up in battle-frenzy. The enemy seems ill-prepared for the onslaught. HOWEVER, the more the PANTALOONIANS charge, the more spread out they will become – losing the advantages of a well kept formation, and straying outside of the range of the MUSKETEERS' covering fire. On the other hand, if LORD SELTZER takes time to regroup his formations, his enemies will have time to do the same.

The chaos of the melee holds many opportunities, but also many dangers…


 

What will LORD SELTZER do?


Call your infantry back, form up, and…


1. Seize the high ground!
March your troops onto the ANCIENT BURIAL MOUND, where you gain the offensive and defensive advantage of elevation.

2. Get behind some walls!
Dismount and march your troops into the fenced-in FARMYARD.

3. Hold the WELL!
Form up and hold your current position.

4. Let the musketeers do the work.
Fall back to the far end of the FARMHOUSE, where anyone advancing on you will have to walk through enfilading musket fire.

5. Hold the SHRINE.
Fall back to the South, where you can hold the SHRINE and, if necessary, flank anyone in the JUNGLE.

Leave your infantry to continue charging, and…


6. Slaughter KLEOPANTSRA'S infantry before they can regroup!

7. Charge into the JUNGLE after the QUEEN OF SERPENTS herself!

8. Fight your way across the field and try to attack THE STEVE while he's distracted!

9. Send your SQUIRE to re-summon your MUSKETEERS.

Or make up your own crazy plan…


10. OTHER:______________________

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