What is Pantaloonia?

This is a weird website for a weird play-by-correspondence game that I am playing with some friends!

When I was a child, my brothers and I wanted to play wargames but lacked the attention span and/or ability to play anything competitive for more than 5 minutes without a fistfight breaking out. Instead, we homebrewed a cooperative "tactical medieval wargame" (very heavy air quotes) using The World's Greatest Construction Toy. It was slightly more tactical than strapping firecrackers to army men.

(Other childhood pastimes included stair-sledding, lighting ourselves on fire with rubbing alcohol, and bicycle jousting. We all survived to adulthood.)

When the Great Sit inside All Day and Be Unemployed of 2020 struck, I resurrected the game as an asynchronous play-by-Internet-correspondence with some good friends, and Pantaloonia was born.

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Lord Citrus Seltzer Gets All Sneaky-Devious: House of the Beast 4

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Seeing that KLEOPANTSRA's war band is thrown into chaos, LORD CITRUS SELTZER turns his attentions to the PAGAN SHRINE. At his order, his troops quickly remove the SARCOPHAGUS… And stash it in the FARMHOUSE. Meanwhile, his trusty Squire, THE VILLAGE POOPSMITH, gallops to the WELL and tosses in a shovelful of the… fruits of his trade. (Like any self-respecting poopsmith, his saddle bags are always well-stocked in case of emergencies.) KLEOPANTSRA's war party stumbles out of the jungle in chaos and confusion – the SEVERED TENTACLE and PARASOL MAIDEN still battling atop the PALANQUIN with no clear victor… THE CANNIBAL WHO FELL FROM THE SKY staggers to his feet, groggily attempting to ascertain his location… From the North, cries and cannon fire echo across the towers and parapets of THE HOUSE OF THE BEAST. The wind howls across the BURIAL MOUND louder than ever. …And the well begins to shake. LORD CITRUS SELTZER takes stock of the situation about to unfold and plans his nex...
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Lord Jarritos makes a series of startling discoveries

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LORD JARRITOS DE TAMARINDO cautiously opens the BLUE DOOR and peers inside to see who is whispering the AKATHIST... A narrow tunnel leads deeper into darkness. In the center of the tunnel stands a SKELETON. As the door creaks open, the SKELETON turns and gasps. "A Pantaloonian? My prayers have been answered!" Before LORD JARRITOS can react to this strange discovery, he is interrupted by the sound of the castle gates grinding open. A cavalcade of footsteps ring out from up the stairs – it would seem a large number of people have entered the castle. After a moment's pause, the voice of the castle servant rings out: "Welcome, welcome! The Blue Bashers, you said? Any soldier of Pantaloonia is welcome at the master's table! Unfortunately, Lord Stephanus is out hunting at the moment, but he should be returning shortly. In the meantime, let me bring you drinks to wash the dust of the road from your throats." A bell rings. Somewhere in the darkness, the BROWN DOOR s...
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Lord Citrus Seltzer Sees Daylight: House of the Beast 10

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His qualms quelled, LORD CITRUS SELTZER abandons his shield, takes up a HAUNTABLE HUNK OF ANCIENT STONE, and sets off down the cramped and twisting tunnel the GHOST showed him. After many arduous scrapings and squeezings, LORD SELTZER sees sunlight! With one final effort, he bursts out of the dark and dismal underworld and back onto good, Pantaloonian soil. A strange sight meets his eyes. He stands in the center of a series of connected ruined towers, each taller than the last. At the top of the highest tower, stuck to a black spiderweb, hangs THE GOLDEN BANJO. A stone STAIRCASE to LORD SELTZER'S right marks the only way up. On the second tower, a STYLITE stands muttering prayers atop a PILLAR.     To his left, LORD SELTZER sees a disorganized knot of CRUSADER FOOTMEN rushing in his direction – they appear to be in a state of panic. LORD SELTZER can make out the occasional cry of "SASHIMI!" and "NINJIRATE SAVAGES!" Ahead – is that FATHER BEARDODOULOS? Some ti...
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Lord Jarritos Lets Fly: House of the Beast 9

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LORD JARRITOS sets his sights on the GRAND MAN-EATER and lets fly! THE GRAND MAN EATER (with a very lucky roll) manages to dodge the deadly projectile! SHEIKAH KNIGHT, standing behind him, is not so fortunate… And so ends the villainous life of the lead MONKEY KILLER. He survived a heavy cavalry charge on MONASTERY ISLAND, but he could not survive the… CANNON CHARIOT.    The sound of applause rings out from the nearby RUINED TOWER. LORD JARRITOS takes stock of his surroundings… Terrible clanking and grinding noises from behind tell him that that the BUTLER and his SKELETONS cannot be far off. Just outside of the JUNGLE, the GRAND MAN-EATER, having cheated cannon-flavored death, is trying to regroup with the remaining CANNIBALS in the FIELD (and taking the enviable HELM OF ULTIMATE OVERCOMPENSATION with him). Ahead, at the South end of the JUNGLE, the MONSTROUS SERPENT WOMAN is regrouping her strangely dressed forces. Just around the corner, THE STEVE is beset by the main b...
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Lord Jarritos Gets a Monkey: House of the Beast 10

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LORD JARRITOS calls for the distant SWORD MONKEY! Hearing that it's murderous services are required, the SWORD MONKEY nimbly dashes across the ruins and leaps onto LORD JARRITOS supersweet CANNON CHARIOT.   With its new simian crew member, the CANNON CHARIOT is more deadly than ever (+ 2 dice). However, LORD JARRITOS'S enemies have had time to regroup – in the field in front of him, he sees the strange SNAKE WOMAN march her troops out of the JUNGLE and into the FIELD, where they come face-to-face with the CANNIBALS. Just as it looks like the two groups will come to blows, the SNAKE WOMAN raises a HEART-SHAPED SCEPTER. There is a flash, and suddenly the GRAND MAN-EATER lowers his axes… and orders his men to join the SNAKE WOMAN. Suddenly, there is a thunderous roar to the right. THE STEVE – missing an arm and two legs – staggers around the corner. He is grievously wounded and beset on all sides by PANTALOONIANS… But the newly formed SERPENT-CANNIBAL COALITION is positioned a...
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The Black Russian Crosses Blades with a Traitor: House of the Beast 9

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THE BLACK RUSSIAN orders his crew to climb the CLIFF and save the PRISONER… Then turns and charges the traitorous MERCENARY CAVALRYMAN before the turncoat can slay the unsuspecting MASTER MENDICANT, leader of the BEGGARS' GUILD! At the last moment, the traitorous MERCENARY sees THE BLACK RUSSIAN and parries the blow – the two are locked in combat, neither one able to gain the advantage. MASTER MENDICANT turns and gasps. The newly knighted SIR POOPSMITH STANK-SHOVEL, erstwhile leader of the PANTALOONIAN CHARGE, looks back in confusion. The TRAITOROUS MERCENARY realizes he has drawn too much attention – "I, er, um... THIS DIRTY NINJIRATE BETRAYED US! HE WAS TRYING TO KILL MASTER MENDICANT!" Before THE BLACK RUSSIAN can speak, a cry rings out from the CLIFF. His CREW have run into trouble! Is that – the PRISONER is trying to climb the TOWER and… MISTER BRICKMAN IS DOWN! Suddenly, a terrible explosion rings out – SHEIKAH KNIGHT, leader of the villainous MONKEY KILLERS, ...
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Lord Citrus Seltzer Tests a Spirit: House of the Beast 9

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LORD CITRUS SELTZER stops the ghost with a raised cross and a quick prayer to Saint Romanos the melodist. "Your story sounds a lot like one I've heard at the feet of Lord Margarita Shooter -- may he return victorious from his quest -- of a fey banjo master that has come to Pantaloonia's aid many a time. But I've also heard tell of this foe you speak of -- one who deeply resented his master, and coveted both his arts and his instrument. How do I know you're the one and not the other? You've set me up with a fine quick quest, just in my moment of highest need, playing straight to my pride as the victorious Lord of my people, swooping in to rescue this fiddlestick of yours and call in supernatural aid to my everlasting glory. But the Abbas of the holy mountain say that the demons work their deceit not by obvious lies but by cleverly concealing things. So if you want help from me you'll quit with the riddles and speak plainly. Better to be pressed for time and...
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The Black Russian Shakes Things Up: House of the Beast 10

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THE BLACK RUSSIAN doesn't have time to mince words. He shouts his warning to MASTER MENDICANT, and then wheels around and charges the CRUSADERS, waving for the KING OF STINGING LOBSTERS to flank them! His valiant steed leaps over the surprised heads of the ensorcled BLUE BASHERS and smashes into the unsuspecting CRUSADER CAVALRY! The crash of the impact rings across the battlefield! THE BLACK RUSSIAN is thrown from his horse! The CRUSADER KNIGHT flies backwards, armor shattering to pieces! The BLUE BASHERS finish him off before he can get to his feet… THE BLACK RUSSIAN leaps back onto his noble steed and takes stock of the situation. Behind him, the remaining CRUSADER KNIGHTS face off against – a SKELETON HORDE and some kind of MONSTROUS BUTLER? A cry rings out from the cliff above – SAMURAI SAM just made some CRUSADER SASHIMI with UTMOST PREJUDICE. The death of their comrade is so shockingly gruesome, the rest of the CRUSADER FOOTMEN… [*Cue morale rolls*] RUN AWAY SCREAMING....
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Lord Seltzer's Calamari Beatdown: House of the Beast 6

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All shall know the might of Lord Citrus Seltzer and know he is a fearsome foe to his enemies and a mighty friend to his allies! LORD CITRUS SELTZER charges the entangled TENTACLES! Distracted by their would-be prey, the TENTACLES are completely unprepared for the swarm of Pantaloonians!     At full gallop, LORD JARRITOS slashes into the regenerating RED TENTACLE –   IT IS INSTANTLY SEVERED. KLEOPANTSRA'S palanquin crashes to the ground, pantsless harem boys flying in all directions. The PARASOL MAIDEN is instantly crushed. The Pantaloonian infantry falls upon the GRAY TENTACLE with equal ferocity, LUMBERJACKS and BEGGARS swarming from all sides!     SEVERED BY A BACK-SCRATCHER. The TENTACLE-STUMPS are quickly hacked to pieces. The charging Pantaloonians turn their attentions to the SEVERED TENTACLE ends – and the HEATHENS trapped therein. The melee is an absolute chaos. LORD SELTZER sees the Merchant-Guild sponsored CAVALRYMAN next to him unhorsed, but the ch...
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Lord Citrus Seltzer Goes Spelunking: House of the Beast 8

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LORD CITRUS SELTZER gives his trusty Squire, the VILLAGE POOPSMITH, a battlefield promotion and sets him in charge of the PANTALOONIAN forces that stand atop the ANCIENT BURIAL MOUND. Sending the newly knighted SIR POOPSMITH off with the troops to aid THE BLACK RUSSIAN and attack THE STEVE, LORD SELTZER enters the MOANING CAVERN alone and on foot. The cries of battle overhead grow fainter and then disappear as LORD SELTZER journeys down, down, down into the deep and crushing black.   When he can no longer walk, he crawls, and when he can no longer crawl… "I smell Christian blood." The phantasm glows with an unearthly light.   "You have found me, Pantaloonian." "Now, I must beg a boon of you." "Oh, many times have I fought and many times fallen for the sake of your people." "By burning, by the sword, by arrows and stones, by the self-consuming use of my own powers… all manner of death died I" "Soft my soul would fly, back t...
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